After sitting at our dining table writing about 500 words, reshuffling sentences from 7.30 am to noon, I took a nap. I must have drooled on the cushion, and woke up sleeping with my bum up in the air, arms folded under my chest. I swear I was only resting my eyes for five.
I am okay.
Soon after that, some sort of guilt and perhaps Stockholm syndrome drove me to fold the laundry and then I ate a sandwich by myself.
Things are good. A bit stressful, but I am in denial for the most part. It helps me get through the next thing on my to-do list. helps me feel productive.
I am only 22. I remind myself often.
I am 22?? I'm often reminded of myself.
I procrastinated quite a bit after this, checking to see if my partner messaged me. He didn't. I wiped the kitchen top. Cleaned my room, walked through the backyard. Washed my new bras with my matching underwear. Why did I buy the matching underwear. The sales lady convinced me to and I gave in to her lure. Or was it just me?? I never buy matching anything. I invest in supportive bras, but always cotton underwear. Who the fuck do you think you are brunelle?
Heidi fucking Klum?
Also, what's with the cussing?
My breasts seem to be getting larger every year.
I received a message from an old friend, he was kind and wished me for my birthday. I miss him.
Am I lonely?
No, just tired.
My eyes feel heavy staring at this computer, which I am so grateful for.
Mousaka was really delicious. My mum took the utmost trouble to cook it last night so we can eat it tonight when she got home.
The shower was hot and fast. I could have taken a faster shower. I tried catching every drop on my body. Don't. waste. a. single. drop. Should have collected the uncaught drops in the bucket.
I reminded myself that I recycled the water I used to handwash my new bras. Soapy water in one bucket rinsed water in another. not so bad then? What was that word again? Holism? right?
I want to separate particles.
clean from dirty. so the world can drink clean water. If I had magic power.
So I can help with the drought. The same drought problem my brother is writing about in his geography paper.
He didn't leave his room today. I worry about him.
I doubt he drank any water today either.
I didn't want to share my chia pudding with him. I did anyway. But I ate a few spoonfuls before I gave it to him.
I am trying to not baby him but also be caring. I know he's busy.
I am a jealous lover.
I am sorry.
I am trying.
Maybe there's a single word to describe all of this stuff I wrote down. I am sorry. I don't know how to convey it. to translate it for you. And for me.
The title of this blog was meant to be about my art practice. The process of making. Not this. this can't be written in a thesis can it?
that's okay. I understand. no problem. thankyou so much. Hope you're good. Catch you later.
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